I met the friendliest cop last night
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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