just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
