you guys were way drunker than both of me
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
