So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
