Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
