A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
When are your genitals available?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
