I can tuck mytits in my pants
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the condom got lost in my hair
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I would fuck him just for his dog
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
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