The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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