its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
