The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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