I'd wear matching sweaters with you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
