Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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