all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
