I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
