If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
