My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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