you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
