Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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