I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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