I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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