Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
