So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
