I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
