My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
