i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
