I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
