I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
