Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
