so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
