I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
