She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
