why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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