I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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