Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
