Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
