I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
