apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
