well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
