im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
