peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
