Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You ate ashes out of my bong
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
