She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
