11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My penis needs a shock collar
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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