dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
