How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
