I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
