I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
