Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
