What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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