so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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